I’ve written this particular entry a long time ago when I was in college. I just accidentally foung it under my old study table recently. I’m putting it in this blog because I just wanna share who I was, and everytime I read it, it makes me smile and reminisce who I was before and it somehow bring spark on my frozen flame… Here it goes:
I’m depressed again. And I realized that my depression, caused me to hate myself. What does is mean? Why do I hate myself? Is it because I’m aware of everything but afraid to do anything?
I’m naturally a good leader. But i suppressed it over and over again, because I’m afraid of failing to attain, the expectations of others; Because I’m afraid of obligation.
I grew up in a big family. With all my cousins, we are always together. So solid as brothers and sisters.
But that was then. When I still possess the young and innocent mind of a child. My world before is full of wonders and adventures.
I even forget the delicious meal prepared by my mother;
I even forget the refreshing splash of water in my face;
I even forget the sunset;
I even forget the heat of the sun that made my skin laughably tan!! Black!! Ohh, blackish-tan and shiny… My bestfriend even tease my as “negro” and as a defense mechanism, I call his penis “baluktot”, hahaha!!!
Haaaaayyy!!
I missed my bestfriend;
I missed my childhood;
I missed my highshool friends;
I missed my scientific enthusiasm;
What has happened to me? Is it the consequences of holding firmly with my principles? Why are people so judgemental? Why are people “listening to your face” rather than on what you are “saying”?
Honestly, when I see people becoming somewhat paranoid just because of observing me, I feel like punching their faces! But that’s not me. Is holding your principle means holding your arms? If the answer is yes, then I’m into it…